Public Nuisance

Welcome October! While most people are writing about fall colors and pumpkins – I’m writing about using a public restroom – read at your own risk.

Mary and I just got back from spending a few days in North Carolina visiting our friends, the Kvitko’s. While the visit was great, the east coast three hour time change, is a tough one, for me the not too often traveler. We kept our friends up to two and three am each evening. They were starting to drag by day three but it only really affected us on the last day when we went to bed at 2:00 am and had to get up at 5:00am.

One of the weird little tweaks of the time change is in my digestive system. It’s bad enough that my colon is all messed up by being three hours ahead or behind (I’m not sure) – but Tuesday I had to use a public restroom in the airport. This not something I care to do, especially when I have to sit down.

As I went into the restroom, I had to search for the best stall. The “Best” means it should be at the very least, somewhat clean. It would be nice if it were private but clean would do. This is not an easy task to find clean facilities normally at an airport, but on this particular day, it was even worse. The first one I looked at was completely overflowing; this was not a good sign. The second one had a bit of wet floor – which I could have dealt with but there was no toilet seat. It was just gone. The third stall was filled to the brim with slowly dissolving paper and looked to be in the worse shape of all of them. I started thinking I must be in the restrooms at a Raider game! I couldn’t however, spend much more time looking. Things were, shall we say, moving right along and my intestines were saying “Pick a stall, ANY stall.”

Finally I came to the very last toilet stall. It was either this or I’d have to go back to the non toilet seat one and hover. (Hovering; the-squatting-position-without-touching-anything pose that most women have perfected by age ten, is not a skill I’m very good at.) This last stall did show promise. Yes, there was a small amount of water on the floor and some “moisture” on the rim, but things looked pretty good. I made a decision - this was it.

I quickly took some paper and cleaned the rim properly, then turned around and locked the door. Slowly and mysteriously, the lock unlocked itself and the door crept open. I knew I locked it, so I was compelled to peak out and see if someone was trying to get in (based on the shape of the other stalls this would not have been a big surprise!) No one was there so I locked it again and turned around and did the “pants suspended up high around the knees” routine so that my jeans wouldn’t touch the wet on the floor. It was bad enough that my shoes were in clear but questionable water – I didn’t want to have my pants get anywhere near it.

About midway during my business, the toilet began to flush on its own. I knew it was one of those motion detecting, automated lavatories but I’d never heard of one that created a “courtesy” flush for you – I thought, oh, how high tech is this?

My glee was short lived as the toilet water rose in the bowl. Soon it started churning out of control. Water came shooting out of the side of the rim and I mean “shooting” out. I thought for a moment it was some sort of violent Bedét. Water was spraying under the rim and off the wall saturating everything and quickly it began filling up the entire stall. There was at least an inch of water covering the floor.

I knew I had only one choice and that was to hunch over and do the two footed hop to get out of the way of the now overflowing toilet. Just then, the door stall opened (on its own) and smacked me in the head. Still in the hunch position I locked the door and then reached back for toilet paper – as I turned, the door opened up, once again, and hit me from behind.

Water is spraying everywhere, my elbow was keeping the door shut and would you believe it, no toilet paper. Luckily there were a few rolls in the dispensing system but I had to struggle with two hands to get the rolls down to usable position. Water was everywhere, empty paper rolls were floating by and the door whacked me three more times before I was done.

I was able to make my plane on time but I may have to destroy my shoes, simply for hygienic reasons.